I mean, to be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy the sex at all, in most cases its the worst sex I've ever had in my life, and every time I think I have had the crappiest sex ever and it cant possibly get any worse, someone always comes along and proves me wrong. Happens all the time.
What I do enjoy is meeting new people. Interesting people. People I actually get along with. People who have something to say. And I do meet these people, even if they are crap at sex, they are still cool people and I enjoy spending time with them and the sex gets better over time, these are the people who become my regulars, and I have a great time with them every time I see them. I have one regular who even offered to pay for all of my schooling, I declined obviously, but still a really fuckin nice gesture.
But this blog isn't going to be about my regulars, or the clients I don't like, its actually going to be about all the fun times I've had whilst working at parlors [ I have yet to have a fun time with private clients haha ] with clients and other working girls.
Rebecca and I were discussing how the industry has changed and we don't tend to get the funny clients anymore, or the laid back clients, we just get the clients who want PASSION FOR THEIR MONEY these days. Which is fair enough, we'll do it, but from our point of view, its boring.
I miss the times like the following:
One of my regulars booking me on an out call for 8 hours just to go out and get as drunk as possible because I was in a shitty head space at the time. Coming back to the parlor 8 hours later and being so drunk I was demanding coffee from Esquires at 4am and a parlor regular actually went and got me one haha. Good cunt.
Guy books me. We have a spa, the entire time we are in the spa [ about 40 minutes ] he talks about cows...He talks about how he can talk to the cows and the cows talk to him.
He talks about how he painted a mural for his cows and they told him they really liked it.
He then asks me if I'd be able to act like a cow..... wtf? Possibly the most hilarious booking I have ever been in. I did such a fucking good job of not laughing my ass off the entire time.Asian client who was apparently a virgin, couldn't speak a word of English, booked me.Five minutes later the sex was over.
I sat there for 45 minutes talking shit to someone who couldn't speak English and hadn't actually uttered a word the entire time he was there.
Pink Floyd comes on over the speakers, I start singing... it was seriously the fastest I've ever seen someone get dressed in my life.. I also wished I'd started singing a bit earlier in the session haha.
End of shift one night, it was about 6:30am, Kali and I were the only girls left, a parlor regular arrives, buys a bottle of wine and we all get drunk just for the sake of it.
Guy comes in at 5:30 in the morning. Starts chatting to us [ there were only 3 of us left on shift ] and decides to book all of us. Admits he doesn't actually wanna have sex because he's too drunk. So we just sit in the spa and give each other massages the whole time.
The many many times I've sang to my clients just to cheer them up. Don't actually do this anymore because people don't actually appreciate it these days. Not that they appreciated it in the first place.. I'm definitely not a singer, but at least it used to make people laugh.. doesn't have that effect anymore.
Going on escort to an old drunks house for 5 hours and watching DVDs and drinking the whole time. He showed me all his favourite TV shows and then we watched Batman... It was awesome.
Going on escort with 5 other girls to a boat in the harbor full of drunk old men. We were originally only supposed to be there for 2 hours, but then we ended up staying for 8, drinking and eating and dancing around the jetty in our undies, only to realise in the morning that there were security cameras everywhere... security guy must have had a great time watching that footage.
The little Indian dude that used to book me who had a tickling fetish, and we'd tickle each other until we were crying and had sore faces from laughing so much.
The little booking dares we used to do:
Obviously doing the same thing over and over gets boring, so the girls would dare each other to do certain things in bookings. We'd have to do something or say something in a booking just to see what sort of reaction we got.
One of my all time favourites was when I got stuck with "Quote Napoleon Dynamite in all of your bookings" ... Oh my god... it was so funny. I actually had one guy start quoting "Pedro" back at me perfectly. I also had the older guys looking at me like I was slightly retarded. SO funny.
Another one was "Fall off the bed at least twice during the booking"
This one was a funny one. Surprisingly, only one guy actually got up to see if I was OK. The rest of them looked at me like I'd had a bit too much to drink that night. I was actually completely sober haha.
"Move the shoes"
Self explanatory. While they were in the shower you'd sneakily place their shoes somewhere other than where they'd left them. This one used to make me laugh so much at the end of the booking. Guys would be like "..I swear I put my shoes here.." and then I'd point their shoes out and they'd be like "...I don't even remember taking them off here..."
This one was especially awesome if your client was fried out of his brain.
"Only one subject"
I was great at this one. People genuinely left the booking thinking I was slightly retarded.
The objective was to talk about only one subject the entire time you were in a booking.
For example, you chose a subject [ Ducks, Horses and Mushrooms were my favourite topics ] and for the entire booking, the only conversation out of your mouth had to be about your chosen subject.
"Oh look at your penis!! Its like a cute little mushroom!!" And there started the hour long discussion of mushrooms. Sometimes you didn't have to do it for an hour, some clients would just get sick of hearing the words "Little Mushroom" and leave haha.
"Over exaggeration"
The object of this was to over exaggerate in a booking.
- Over exaggerate pleasure. Moan every time something happens. Like when your having a shower, if the dude touches your boob, even when your giving them a massage. And then make the orgasm loud enough so that people in the hallway can actually hear. Just make it as ridiculous as you can. 9 times out of 10 the guys think your serious anyways haha.
- Be overly dominant in a booking, hold the guys down and practically rape them haha. One guy actually felt violated when I did this. It was great.
So Yes. I do actually have a great time while I'm working as long as its not overly serious, Because I don't take this job seriously, its supposed to be fun for everyone involved after all. I just hope the fun clients start coming back soon. Sick of this serious sex bullshit, fuckin too clinical. Bastards.. make me feel like I'm actually working.
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